Regular readers of this blog will know that I am now single again after 2 and half years. Now everyone goes through this life experience, somne several times. I am not claiming to be unique or that somehow what I am struggling with, is in some way special.
It’s not. However this is my blog, so listen to my story.
I joined an online dating site a couple of weeks ago. Now this was to prove to myself that I could do it. Previous single times for me have consisted of me feeling like the lowest of the low and not believing anyone who tells me otherwise. Far too many stories I could tell about missing the signs from people. That was why I started writing the women should wear badges post, then the darkness took over and it became a rant. So I wont bother with that. I want to try and explain what I am struggling with and hopefully find some form of answer while I am writing. Call it live self therapy if you will.
The dating site has large numbers of local women some of which are looking for the same thing as I am. No commitment, that is the last thing I want. Now the problem I have with it is that no matter how attractive I find them (and there are some women on there I am suprised had to resort to dating sites) I will never make the first move. The same problem I have in real life is still there in the virtual world. Why is this? The internet gives us a degree of anonimity that I should be taking advantage of. Far better I get rejected online than face to face. Yet I cannot bring myself to even type a simple hello message.
Now this proves one thing that I knew but was trying to ignore. I am not ready for any contact with anyone at the moment. The reason I struggle with it though is that I miss the closeness with a woman. The caring and feelings part is not anywhere I will be going for a long time, My heart is way too fragile just now. Other people seem to have no problem with going out, meeting a stranger and spending the night together. This is something I have never done. I’m 41 and never had a one night stand with a stranger. How fucking sad is that? Maybe that is not part of my makeup and I should just accept that this is the way it will be.
So if online dating is not the thing that will get me back out there meeting people, then what should I do? I do not know, I really dont.
My flat has become my safety net. The place that I withdraw to when it all gets too much out there. I had a weeks holiday recently and spent 90% of it inside my flat, too scared to go outside. Not that I thought something bad would happen to me, just that it was easier to be there. Friends have given me advice that this is just how I am feeling at the moment and I should not fight against it but accept it. It will pass eventually. So thats the plan for now and I hope the other bits of my life fall into some sort of order in time.
Then there is the solitary pursuits I enjoy. In the past I have often gone to the cinema alone. This has never bothered me. I can concentrate on the film and not worry if anyone with me is enjoying themselves. However, I own an unlimited viewing cinema card for a cinema that is 10 minutes from my flat. The last time I was there was October. Films I have really wanted to see, like the Hobbit, Iron Man 3 and the new star trek film have not been enough to force me to go out and see them. I am seriously considering just reading the spoilers online so that when they come out on dvd, I can enjoy them without worrying that I know what the twists are. My memory being what it is, I would most likely have forgotten them anyway.
While on holiday, I had planned to see both Iron Man and Star Trek. One lunchtime when coming home from food shopping (one of the things that forced me outside) I was all set to go and see iron man. I checked the times and went home to drop the shopping off.
I did not leave the flat again until the following evening and that was only to buy cigarettes. 5 minutes outside tops.
The weekend is drawing to a close and I was out drinking on friday and saturday night. I enjoyed both but was glad to get home. Sunday has been spent playing videogames. Back to work I go tomorrow and there is a part of me that is glad I have that to get me out. Not because I have been moping about, I haven’t, just to do something diffferent.
Now I wrote about living my life through a fictional character and that is still the plan. However for now, I am still much more Paul than the Laird.
I hope that changes soon?