I may be bad, I may be blind, I may be viciously unkind

I went supermarket food shopping yesterday.  The whole place was full of couples who really did not want to be there.  i can understand that, I didn’t want to either.  However there was a few couples where the atmosphere between them was just awful.  Not quite hatred but damn close.

I have always been surprised that certain people manage to continue their relationships over many many years.  My longest relationship was 7 and a half years, although I have had several that have been over 2 years.  It may be because I am single again but I cannot see me ever having a long term relationship again.  Do not get me wrong, in my ideal world, I would meet someone who I fell in love with and spend the rest of my life just wanting her and her just wanting me.  I cannot see that happening again because when it does go wrong, the hurt just rips me apart.

I recently left the dating site I was on just because I would see all these women on there who wanted a long term relationship.  The few who were looking for no commitment were getting less and less, so I made the choice to leave.  There are plenty of other dating sites that specialise in that form of dating but they all cost money and at the moment, although that is what I would like, I am not ready.

So how do people manage to stay with one person for years?  We all know that the initial glow goes eventually (which i always thought was a shame) and you eventually settle into the new form that the relationship takes.  We also know that there are people out there who are in relationships that are destroying them in one way or another but who wont leave because it is scary out there.

I can confirm this, it is bloody scary out there.  Not sure if it is partly my age (41) or just my personality that magnifies this.  When my recent split happened, there was a part of me that wanted anyone who could give me the same feeling of being.  I then went through the phase of just being wanted and now am in the defensive, emotional rebuilding mode.  The bad days have become bad parts of days.  The nights are still hell though, if anything they have become worse.  This will all pass in time and until then there are many different ways I have found of coping.  Drinking, smoking, writing and video games.  I have never been a  big drinker but a couple just before I go to bed helps numb my brain enough just to stop me thinking.  the smoking feeds my self destructive feelings and also gives me that four minutes of reflection.  The time where there is only me and I can look at the things that are making me happy and accept them.  I have no idea why that happens when I am smoking (and I am talking normal cigarettes before anyone thinks otherwise), it just does.

Writing can be a good emotional outlet and if you have read other stuff by me, there is a (hopefully) honest feel about what I do write, no matter if it is a real life story or just a story.  Video games just take my brain, give it a warm hug and allows me to forget about the world for a while.  Books and music help too but video games have taken up much more of my time recently.

One thing I should mention is my dreams.  Weird and thought provoking things they have been.  One night I dreamt about a female friend (who I have only met a couple of times) who seduced me after a party.  I awoke feeling really nice.  Someone had wanted me (albeit in my dreams) and I fell back asleep happy.  I then dreamt that another female I know, one who i am very fond of, who told me that she wanted a relationship with me.  i agreed and spent the rest of the dream in this lovely beginning of a relationship feeling.  When i awoke in the morning, I remembered both dreams clearly.  I did not feel sad because they were not real, I did not think it was some weird universal way of the great intelligence telling me that these people found me attractive, I just felt happy.

Strangely the relationship one was the one that made me the happiest!  Still cannot work that one out.

Anyway I was speaking to a friend and related the dreams and she said that it was maybe me just accepting that I can be wanted by someone.  For a long time, both before the end of my recent relationship and definitely after, I did not like myself and therefore why would anyone else.  Maybe my mind is healing enough to allow me to just accept that although I may not be everyone cup of tea, I am very much some peoples.

That’s a nice thought to finish on isn’t it?

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