I was out on Saturday night. It was a last minute thing and was brilliant. At one stage a strange woman kissed me on the cheek. It may have been a dare. I’m not sure. No matter because what happened before that was the surprise.
She spoke to me first and I didn’t react weirdly. Those who have been drinking with me in the past know that if a girl tries to speak to me, I instantly assume that its a ploy to get to speak to someone in my group. Sometimes it was but not always.
Anyway as these things often do, it makes me think about past times. I remember one night, many years ago, I was in a salsa club with old workmates. There was a lassie there that immediately caught my eye. She was stunning and she knew it. Not in that “Look at me” way, more just that she was comfortable in her own being and that just enhanced her attractiveness. She was surrounded by the guys that we all know inhabit these places. All bad T-shirts and whatever passes for trendy clothes.
Anyway at the time I had just started a course of anti depressants and was not really feeling the benefit of them. The group I was with were having a great time and I did not feel part of it. I was but I could not feel the joy that everyone else was having. As the night progressed, a couple of my friends had noticed that I kept looking at this woman. Not in a stalker way (at least I hope not!). I was challenged to ask her out. I refused. They kept pressuring me, “what have you got to lose?” was said A LOT.
Eventually I said that before I left, I would find out her name. This was agreed as a suitable compromise and with that, I went up to her on the dance floor and spoke to her. She was Spanish and called…well it doesn’t matter. We spoke for a while, i told her that she was the most attractive woman in the club and that I really just wanted to know her name (Yup, I am an old charmer!!). After a wee conversation, I thanked her and wished her a great rest of the night. There was a flicker of confusion on her face and then she smiled.
I went back to my mates and passed on the details. No-one could believe I had not only just done it, but that I had not tried or said anything else. I finished my drink and then left, said goodbye to the lassie (well she approached me as I was leaving to say goodbye) and went home.
It was only when I felt a little bit better in myself, that I realised that the only way I had managed to even speak to her, was because I was not trying to chat her up. I had also conducted the whole conversation in a sort of resigned, defeated tone which to be fair, that is just how I am when I feel down). If I had actually been trying to get anywhere with her, I would not have been able to even speak to her, let alone have a conversation. I would also most likely, have said something inappropriate due to nerves.
Now most people would have learned from that experience. Not me. Even now, if I fancy someone I do not know, then I am never going to start the conversation. EVER. If somehow they start the conversation, I will mess it up somehow…at least I would have in the past.
Now I am not so sure.
Today I feel bulletproof. I have a staff night out on Friday. It should be fun and if it was tonight we were going out, then I would be a lot of fun to be around. How I will be feeling on Friday, will be interesting. My confidence is slowly coming back, like a replenishing life bar in a video game. I may never be able to chat up a woman I do not know but at least I am comfortable with that.