Most of the stuff I post here, gets cross posted to my twitter, Tumblr and Facebook account. No real reason, although it is always nice when I see that many people have read a post.
However there are things that I don’t want to share with my family, friends etc. This is one of them and while there is a chance that they stumble across this post, the risk is minimal.
I am supposed to going out drinking tonight with work colleagues. I was really looking forward to it at the beginning of the week and even this morning, I was thinking that it was going to be a nice end to a tough week. Mid morning, my mood changed. Nothing triggered it that I can tell but it just is there and I cannot seem to escape it.
This Manic Street Preachers song came on my music player a wee while ago and it seems to sum up some stuff that I could not put into words properly.
You see I know what will happen tonight. I will go out drinking, having a laugh with friends and then go home alone. Its that last bit I think may be contributing to why I am not looking forward to tonight. I should be used to doing that but for some reason it makes me sad today.
I even went and dug out my Adam Ant style jacket and my Cross top to wear tonight. I always feel more “Laird-like” when I am dressed up. I thought I would breeze into the pub and just enjoy myself. Now I look at the jacket and I feel like I would be a fraud wearing it. Or worse, i would not have the attitude and confidence that it normally gives me and look like an old man trying to look cool.
My alternative is that I just stay in tonight. Play some video games and watch movies, safe in my little cocoon. Why put myself out there to be ignored when i can just assume that it is going to happen?
Defeatist attitude? Damn right. I am hoping by writing this down, I somehow get the feeling out of me but it does not look as if it is shifting. I have switched my music player to my “sad” mix of songs because I feel the need to wallow.
I could just appreciate that I am going to have a fun night out and take the enjoyment from that. Lets be honest, I would not be able to handle it if anyone did take a shine to me. However I would like to have the choice rather than have it made for me.
Does that make sense?
If I do end up going out, there is a very good chance that I will get drunk and if I am still feeling like this, then I should stay off the internet.
But I wont.