I know somehow I will survive

During the 80s there seemed to be a real chance that the cold war would escalate into nuclear war. Well at least thats how it felt to teenage me.
My fears were strong and I remember not worrying about dying. I was far more scared I would live.
Of course time has passed and we have new fears now. However there is still a piece of that scared little boy in me, hiding in the dark.

When I was 17, I ended up doing a 3 month stint as a YTS printer.  I enjoyed the job, although I was not great at it.  One of the other employees used to play New Model Armys “Ghost of Cain” and “Thunder and Consolation” on repeat.  I am suprised the audio tapes never wore out they were played that much.  I grew to like the band from that exposure and when I moved back to Aberdeen after getting a job there, I went and bought these on tape.

In 1990, Aberdeen had an “Alternative” festival and New Model Army played the citys Music Hall.  I went and watched in wonder.  The support band was The Levellers and when New Model Army came on stage, the whole place went mental.  I stood near the back (live music is not my thing unfortunately) and watched as the melee of bodies in front of the stage, ebbed and flowed like a human sea.

The first time I heard the above song (it is the first track on Thunder and Conolation) it stuck with me.  The line that I have pinched a bot of for my title, made me realise that I was not alone in my fears.  The drumming and the heavy bass just makes me as happy now as it did back then.  The frightened child is still there and this song brings him back into focus every time.  The difference now is that he knows that he is not alone and that seems to help.

Even now, 20+ years later, I can find relevance in the lyrics of these songs.  225 for example, is still scarily accurate on the state of the surveillance culture that we find ourselves living in today.

So go on, have a listen and enjoy


Sadly in todays internet age, this could never happen

Imagine that the above clip was the first time you knew who the next Doctor was going to be. You knew Matt Smith would regenerate into someone in the xmas special but you didn’t know who.
Can you imagine your excitement when the Time Lords mention the thirteenth Doctor and there he is. A flash of eyes and a Scottish accent….
I can dream

Double cross the vacant and the bored

Alexander woke up encased in a semi opaque plastic cannister.  The light that managed to filter through the material was soft and warm.  His arms were trapped by his side and when he became aware of the tube down his throat, he started to panic.

Muffled screams accompanied his struggle to escape.  The primal urge to live had taken over and the fear ripped through him.  If he had not been as loud with his struggles, then perhaps he would have heard the soft hiss of air escaping as the container opened.

The warm light washed over him as the lid disappeared from his view.  In its place Alex could see a figure clad in a green medical coverall.  The face was covered by a clear face plate that immediately made Alex fear that he was seriously ill.

Why could he remember nothing?

The man smiled and spoke with an accent that Alex could not quite place.

“Well hello there,” he glanced down at the clipboard that he was holding, reading something off of it, “Alex.”  The man looked back at him and smiled again.

“No need to worry, there is bound to be some side affects after being under for so long.  We will deal with that in time though.”

The man helped Alex out of the container and he could feel sucker tipped wires breaking away from his skin as he did so.

“Where am I?” Alex could barely manage a whisper.

The man in green looked annoyed and shouted over his should to someone that Alex could not see.

“Jesus another one.  I thought the software had been patched for this?”

There was a reply but Alex could not hear it clearly.  The man in Green sat Alex down on a chair and handed him a green cover.

“Here wrap this around you and lie back, the chair will take care of the rest.”

Lying back was almost involuntary and as he sank backwards, the chair raised his legs and moulded to his form.  It felt like being in a very warm, comfortable sleeping bag.  The rooms illumination seemed to dim slightly and the man in green wrote something on the clipboard.

“Look Alex, I am sorry.  The machine was supposed to have been sorted so that when you came out of it, your memory was the same as when you went in.”

“Went in where?”  Alex could hear the confusion in his own voice.  Somewhere his brain was telling him that everything was ok.  This was normal and it would soon pass.

“Oh dear, it looks like you cant remember anything.”  He walked out of Alex’s view and spoke to someone else.  “Subject 42 Alpha Fault 86.”  He then re-appeared at the opposite side from where he had walked away from.  He was holding what looked like a small camera in his right hand while he looked at the clip board.  Alex could see in the reflection of the man in greens clear face plate that it was digitally displaying words and numbers.  Try as he might, he could not read them in the reversed form that he could see them.  The man in green seemed to be scanning his body.  From the look on his face, whatever he was seeing was not what he had hoped for.  Eventually he stopped, put both the camera and clip board down and smiled at Alex.

“Well Alex, it is a good job that you are lying down.  What I am about to tell you may come as a big shock.”

Please, Please, Please

Seems like an appropriate song to post today.
Here’s a little burstfiction

You sit half way through the month and look at the bank balance. Over the overdraft again.
Its never a good time to run out of cash. ..this time of year its even worse.
What to do?
Well payday lenders are an option. Of course you know that you will be paying lots more money back than you receive. That would then put you right back in the same situation again. What choice do you have? Not a lot and that devastates you.
Sometimes this world just seems determined to break you. Very occasionally it succeeds.

Oh NaNoWriMo….you have bested me again

Yes…I have thrown in the towel and decided that I will not complete my novel during November.
Three years ago, I had to call it a day half way through the month. Depression had taken hold of me and I could not continue.
This year it has struck again, albeit not as hard or for the same reasons. However the black dog visited long enough to make me realise that this year I have more important things to concentrate on.
I was not happy with my story (to be honest I rarely am). I started with such enthusiasm but quickly realised that it was just me ranting against the world and nobody wants to read that…including me!
I think as I have gotten older, the world has annoyed me more and more. The unfairness of big business, the obsession with designer labels and celebrity culture….basically the world is not how I dreamed it would be when I was young.  This has always appeared in my writing in one form or another (I remember my rant about Ugg boots from my second novel!). This year it had covered all my words in hate and anger. Now while this can make for a good read, this story didn’t turn out that way.
Imagine a 41 yr old man shouting at the public about how wrong they are….that was what it was like….but with bad spelling and grammar.
I will keep writing though, I just don’t think im going to worry about finishing it.  It needs to be written just to get it out of my system.
For those brave souls who are continuing, I wish you all the luck and strength to get through it all and emerge at the end of November with a novel that didn’t exist at the beginning of the month.