The Alarm – Spirit of 76 (Old Grey Whistle Test)

 

“When I see him, we still talk but there’s no light shining in his eyes”

When I was younger I wanted the bass players hair (Eddie Mcdonald).
Never managed it though!

 

Depression is a funny old beast.  It has stalked me for most of my adult life, occasionally ensnaring me in it’s claws and dragging me down into the depths.

Recently I was off for eight weeks and it was the worst that I had ever experienced.  The reasons behind it and the time off itself is not the issue here.  What I want to talk about (and why I posted a video to that song) is the fear that struck me when I was off.

I had never been so low and while my life was mostly going incredibly well, there are parts that are always going to haunt me.  When the black dog grabbed me this time, I was aware it had been hanging around for a while.  That did not prepare me though.

I could not face the outside world and ended up ensconced at my Girlfriends flat, venturing outside only when necessary and only with other people.  never alone.

Normally I would write myself out of my depression.  Write down how I was feeling and then view it for what it really is and  not what my imagination was making it out to be.  I couldn’t do that this time.  My creativity was shot and I found myself struggling to concentrate on things.  Books were a chore to read, my mind wandering far too much.

Genuinely I was not sure that I would ever get out of the hole.  that scared me.

Now that line I quoted is what kept playing over and over in my head.  I did not want to be that guy.  It would be so easy to just resign myself to the modern world and go through the motions.

But that is not living.

I wanted something so much more.

A couple of weeks into my illness, I walked past someone I used to work with.  While I knew them, it had always been a passing acquaintance.  They were always someone I thought of as strong.  When I saw what they were like now, I was heartbroken.  This was just a shell and I could see no trace of what they used to be any more.  No idea what, if anything, had happened.  All I do know is that I did not want to get like that.

Maybe everything happens for a reason?

I honestly do not know.

Me?

Well I am better than I was and am resigned to the fact that depression will always be there for me.  I just have to handle it the best I can.

At least I am writing again.

Comic panels that make me smile – 1

I love Grant Morrisons work

image

This is from the Seven Soldiers – Guardian issue 3.
(Sorry I can’t rotate the pic on my phone!!)
The whole series is typical Morrison. Fantastic concepts and weird situations. You either like it or you don’t.
I always feel more creative after reading a Morrison written comic (also Warren Ellis and Alan Moore have this effect too).

I look at the sky and it leaves me blind

It seems like an eternity that I have been stuck here.

In reality it is a little more than a few hours.

Or is it weeks?

Time passes differently here.

Before me the landscape stretches out like a patchwork quilt.  Areas of differing colour, clashing with their neighbours.  I can feel the conflict from  way back here and yet there is nothing I can do about it.  That is just the way things are here.  I learnt that very quickly.

While I may be the cause of the conflicts, I have little control over them and I just have to sit here and watch it all play out.  Every clash, every pain that flows from those areas, hits me like a sledgehammer.

I am so tired.

I am so lonely.

The occasional visit from my tormentors lifts my spirits.  I look forward to the break in the routine.

They arrive, talk at me in voices that I can only hear when I close my eyes.  They poke and prod my body and soul, as if they are looking for something.

They have not found what they are looking for as yet.

When I first tried to communicate with them, I found that I could not speak as normal.  My speech came out in song lyrics.

This did not make for easy conversation, although eventually I managed to get my head around it all and make what I was saying, come out in a format that should have been able to be understood.  Yet the replies I received, just glossed over anything and everything I said.

All too soon, they were gone and I turned my attention to the landscape.  The colours had changed as areas fell to their neighbours advances.

One day I hope to understand it all